They should have reported it to the police.

 

No, the first thing [name redacted #1] did was say

“oh, you should wear my pants then.”

 

*unprofessional laughter*

 

Is that when she talked to you about the hot pink pants?

 

*nods*

 

Honestly, that would be a look, like it would be a grey

sweatshirt and hot pink pants. It would look straight out of

Hot Topic, like, no joke. It would be like the perfect thing, if

you wanted to do that next year, Halloween-

 

No.

 

It would look straight out of Hot Topic.

 

What makes you think I’m doing anything for

Halloween next year?

 

Because you have too.

 

That’s what you said the last two years. Doesn’t

work, Meggie.

 

Okay, let’s not base this off of previous experience…

 

Uh-huh.

 

Okay, this is off-topic.

 

Yeah.

 

So now we have to talk about…emotions and stuff.

 

*chortles* You found the best person to talk to about

emotions with.

 

That’s the thing though! Because, like, we talk about

emotions; we talk about them in such a detached way,

you know.

 

Yeah, that’s what I meant.

 

So you weren’t being sarcastic?

 

…partially. It’s like, we talk about them but not in a

“oh, I feel this way,” kind of thing.

 

You do that, though. Like, I think you’re an emotional person.

 

I’m more emotional than you are, but I’m not an

emotional person.

 

No, I mean like, you…like, you know how [name redacted #1]

just lives in her own la-la land?

 

Yeah.

​

And just does her thing? You are like..okay, here’s me, here’s

[name redacted #1], and you are like…

 

In between?

 

No, like over here.

 

Really?

 

Yeah.

 

Oh.

 

Do you want to defend yourself against that?

 

I mean I don’t think there’s really anything to use to

defend that I mean it’s like my perspective versus yours.

I don’t know how I come across as. I mean I don’t really…say

anything.

 

Okay, but what if I say this: you cry in public all the

time. True or false?

 

Do you know me? No. I’ve never cried in public.

​

You’ve never cried in public?

 

I have never cried in public.

 

How is that possible? Are you a robot?

 

You found me out. No, it’s like, I don’t necessarily feel

extreme emotions…normally.

 

Okay, wait, you’ve never just gotten so overwhelmed

that you were like, "I’m just going to cry in public right now."

 

No, that’s never happened. I’ve been overwhelmed,

but crying isn’t my release valve for those emotions.

 

Do you push old ladies over in the street then?

 

…no.

 

What do you do then? Eat bricks?

 

Who is giving you suggestions on how to handle your

emotions?

 

I’m just considering the possibilities.

 

Um, no, normally it’s introspection, if I’m really

overwhelmed. Like, "why am I feeling this way?"

 

That’s bullshit.

 

No, that works. That’s how I do it.

 

That’s what you do after you get over it.

 

Okay, that’s fair. No, I don’t struggle with being

overwhelmed for too long. It’s not prolonged, I can’t recall a

time for like a week or something that I just felt badly the

entire time. It’s normally like a day or part of a day. I mean,

it still lingers, but it tones down and then I think about

“why did I feel that way, exactly.” But, it’s been awhile since

I’ve felt that way like, “oh, I have so much to do” or “so many

things are happening all at once.”

​

No, I believe that.

​

You believe that?

​

Because you’re the person that just…shuts down.

​

​

Because you’re the person that just…shuts down.

​

​

…yeah. What do you mean “shut down?”

​

Just, close things down. People are done for the day

and you’re gone.

 

Yeah, I can detach pretty easily from how I’m feeling.

 

What is that like?

 

What is that like?

 

Yeah, because I definitely can’t do that. Like, it’s right in

my face. Constantly. All the time.

 

It depends on what the source of that emotion

is. Is it something you’re doing or is it something

somebody else did to you?

 

If someone came up to you, that you knew, and said “I

freaking hate your guts.” What’s your immediate reaction?

 

Assuming they’re joking-

​

No, they’re being totally serious and you can tell.

​

Um, if it’s like one of those things where they yell at you and walk off, then okay I’m not going to do anything. Just give it time…

 

*mimics throwing motion*

 

No, I’m not throwing bricks at them.

 

I didn’t say bricks.

 

No, but if it’s something like that, I would just wait it out

and actually see what was going on.

 

You wouldn’t confront them?

 

Not right up. Because if they’re that mad at me, there’s no

point in me confronting them at that time. Talking at that time

isn’t going to get me anywhere. But if they’re willing to talk

about it, I might as well ask them what happened.

 

I can’t remember anyone actually getting mad enough

at me to say that they hate me.

 

Uh, face-to-face that’s never really happened to me either.

 

But outside face-to-face that’s happened to you?

 

Uh, just like, people get annoyed with you when you’re

messaging and you say something and they get annoyed.

You would know.

 

*laughter*

 

But, things like that, that’s the extent of it. It’s never been a

confrontational thing. I don’t think that happens that

frequently.

 

I would love to do that to somebody. Just go up to

them and list the beef you have with them.

 

I don’t think I would do that unless I’ve given

up on being friends with that person.

 

But you don’t think that you could have that conversation

and still be friends with someone?

 

I think you can have that conversation, but I think it just

changes the dynamic of the friendship. You’d have to pull

apart a little bit. Especially if it’s not the kind of relationship

where you do that all the time.

 

I would argue that it might make things better, but

also, you’re going to be so aware of what that person

thinks of you in the future, and you’re going to censor

yourself around them…I can’t swear that much in this,

because I have to type this up… have I sworn yet?

 

No, not yet.

 

Good.

 

You’re asking me to keep track?

 

Okay, new point. I’ve titled this section about friends

“The Support.” Do you agree?

 

Um...

​

Like, when [name redacted #2] was going through her

whole thing, I stayed out as late as I could but eventually

I was like “I have to sleep” and she was still…a wreck.

Because the whole thing was still so raw, and I was thinking,

I should just go to [name redacted #1]’s room because she

obviously doesn’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want to say

anything. And we still don’t talk about it. Do you think that’s

healthy? Do you think, as her friend, I was supportive in that

situation?

 

It depends on the person. I think it’s healthy to be talking about it,

but it depends on how much she actually wants to share. Um, to

her, it might feel like she’s making herself really vulnerable if she’s

actually telling people. And that might make her feel a lot worse

than if she’s just quiet about it.

 

 

...it might feel like she’s making herself really vulnerable if she’s actually telling people.

​

​

But I’m not just some random person-

 

You’re not a random person – I just feel like…remember

when, like, the moment [name redacted #2] told us and

[name redacted #1] was like “oh, we’re going to do this,

this, this, this for her,” and I think that’s something that she’s

worried about. Like, are these people being nice to me just

because of this.

 

I think about that all the time.

 

I don’t know if it’s entirely valid, but when something this

monumental happens, they’re worried that that becomes part

of their identity, and that’s going to define them. It’s not entirely

accurate, but it wasn’t there before and now it is, so people

think about her and her situation more. She probably worries

that people think that’s who she is now.

 

I think about that all the time.

 

I think that’s probably why she doesn’t want to talk about

it openly.

 

I feel like our friend group has zero emotions with each

other.

 

I would agree.

 

Like, I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend group that was

very touchy-feely…

 

*laughter*

 

Which is what I call emotions. That’s my definition.

 

Wait, what do you mean by “touchy-feely,” like physically

touch-feely or-

 

No, just like, emotionally connecting and being honest

about it, like, that is disgusting to me.

 

I would agree, actually. I mean, I can do it but I’ve never been

on the…I’m more on the listening side than actually telling people

how I feel.

 

Oh, I remember you telling me about that, like in high school…

 

Yeah. I don’t really need to be all touchy-feely

with my emotions to somebody else.

 

You don’t need to be? Like, to regulate them?

 

Mhm.

 

I don’t know if that’s a sign of emotion intelligence or repression.

 

I don’t think it’s repression because, from what I feel it

doesn’t show up in other places. It doesn’t lead up to

me feeling a certain way. Just, normally I don’t care too

much about sharing my emotions with other people.

 

 

Just, normally, I don’t care too much about sharing my emotions with other people.

​

​

And you think that’s a normal thing.

 

Um, I would say it’s weird but I wouldn’t know if that’s

something the general population does.

 

You think most people don’t talk about their feelings.

 

No I think most people do, to a certain extent. At

least, more than I do.

 

That’s a pretty low threshold to cross.

 

Yeah.

 

You know, when I was younger, other people would just

unload their life stories on me all the time. And it was

because I knew how to look like a good listener. You tilt

your head, open your eyes wider, nod and make little “mmm”

sounds every once in awhile. And people were just like, “she

gets it.” And it’s always been like that, people think I’m a really

good listener, even though I could just be hearing white noise.

 

Well I’m actually listening to people.

 

I think you’re lying.

 

No, I’m not. I can’t think of a time I’ve actually not listened to somebody. But then again, most people are like close friends, no one random has ever come up to me.

 

See, I remember being in church and the Sunday school teacher, who I didn’t really know, would just unload her life story on me for half an hour. And I don’t know if she was overwhelmed and had to get it off her chest, or if she was just like “this girl is a good

listener. And a good person.”

 

I still listen to people either way. Although-

 

You’re lying.

 

No, I do listen to people, but it’s because I’m interested

in how people think. It’s not always an emotional connection

or something like that.

 

You can sympathize with a person.

 

I can sympathize but…that normally is what happens to

me when people tell me about their problems.

 

Do you get secondhand embarrassment?

​

Yes. Pretty often. With certain people.

 

I get it all the time. Like, even with total strangers.

Especially if someone’s at a lectern or something and

you can hear their voice shaking, I’m always like “oh,

you poor stupid, idiot.”

 

Yeah, I get that. I don’t think that, specifically, but I do

feel a similar way certain times.

 

Yeah, I remember being in tenth grade and we had to

give speeches, and this kid, who I could not stand, was

giving his speech, and he was like trying to make jokes

and stuff and no one was laughing, like just dead-eye

staring at him, and even though I hated him, I still remember

feeling so bad for him.

 

Yeah, I get that.

 

Oh, this is important. So, a lot of people think like college

students in particular are really bad at talking about things

that are important to them, like their passions and stuff because

 they’re afraid that people are going to..know about it. And,

instead, they are self-deprecating, like, “oh, I’m such trash.”

Do you agree?

 

Um…

 

Well, you know an age group who can express

themselves with no fear? Babies. They’re just like, they’re

going to do their thing and they’re not going to worry about

it.

 

 

...you know an age group who can express themselves with no fear? Babies.

​

​

That’s true.

​

I was a really smart baby. My parents said that I would climb

up to the medicine cabinet. They had to call poison control

all the time. Did you do that when you were younger?

 

What the-no!

 

I guess I was just the smarter baby than you.

 

If you took medication, I’m questioning whether you were

the smarter one or not.

 

I could figure out how to eat it! It was pretty darn smart.

 

*unprofessional laughter*

 

Okay. Do you think our age cohort talks about things that

are close to them emotionally in a healthy way?

 

I don’t think there’s a real distinction between age

groups.

 

No?

 

I’m not sure.

 

Why do you say that?

 

Well, partially it’s because I interact mostly with people in our

age group so I don’t really know what another age group is like, so

if I say anything I feel like it’s going to be uninformed. But I

would find it hard to believe that there’s that big of a

difference…actually did you say age group or generation?

 

Age group.

 

Okay, so I feel like that, when people are younger they share

more than when they get older.

 

That’s fair.

 

If you track each generation as they age, they’re probably all

following a similar pattern. Because I can definitely think of people

who share less and less as they grow older. Like our age group is

probably more emotionally open than older people are.

 

Really?

 

I think we would be.

 

I would argue that when you get to like seventy or

eighty and you just stop caring-

 

That, okay, that…I agree with that too. So after this period

of time and in the next five years when you go into

the world as an adult, or whatever, you start becoming less open

with your emotions, and then the older you get the less…it just flips

when you get to like your sixties or-

 

The sixties?

 

Well, I mean-

 

When are you planning on dying, man?

​

I’m not really sure.

 

How old are your parents?

 

My parents? Um, fifties.

 

Okay, my parents are the same age. I would argue that,

especially when you’re in college, you want to be self-deprecating

so people don’t expect things from you. And I agree with that

partially, because we don’t want people to think that our dreams

are stupid, and I think you’ll see that across most age groups.

 

 

I would argue that...you want to be self-deprecating so people don’t expect things from you.

​

​

Yeah.

 

Except, like, elementary school, and you say like, “I want

to be the president” and you’re like “okay, Jimmy, you

do not understand the incredible power and responsibility

in that position, you dipshit.”

 

I don’t think I know enough to comment on that. Just like,

I don’t think the people I talk to are a basis of comparison.

 

What about your parents?

 

Oh. That’s another thing – I feel like this is specific to regions,

as well. Like, cultures in general.

 

That’s a good point.

 

Because definitely, here the self-deprecation thing is

much more present here than it is back home [India].

 

Really?

 

Yeah. You don’t see that many people going “oh,

I’m an idiot,” or “I know nothing.”

 

That’s crazy.

 

I mean, it still happens, it’s not nonexistent, but the level

at which is happens is much higher here.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Your high school system.

 

*laughter*

 

I’m not even kidding.

 

What about it?

 

The system is just worse. And your culture, to a certain extent,

people feel safer putting themselves down so nobody expects

things from them.

 

And, in your culture, you think it’s safer-

​

It’s not like they’re blowing their horn, or anything,

they just don’t put themselves down.

 

That’s probably healthier.

 

I would say that is healthier.

 

I resist that, just because I do it all the time.

 

Do you really? I feel like there’s a difference between

saying it and buying into it.

 

I think [name redacted #1] is like that, exactly.

 

Yeah.

 

She always puts herself down and I think she really

does believe some of that stuff about herself.

 

She does.

 

And, she’s really not like that at all. She’s just…the

most motivated little squirrel that ever existed you know.

 

I don’t really have anything to say to that.

 

You don’t agree?

 

No, it’s not that I don’t agree, it’s just that I don’t understand

why she does that stuff. She questions herself a lot, which

is why I think that she thinks other people question her, too.

 

 

She questions herself a lot, which is why I think that she thinks other people question her, too.

​

​

I think it ties back to how you were raised. Because I

do question myself a lot, but I always think “you’re

going to be fine, Meggie, because you’re number one.

 

*laughter*

 

I do think that.

 

No, I think it has stuff to do…like, the more good decisions

you make, the more confident you should be in the future,

right? She’s not like that. She’s always second-guessing herself.

 

Part of that, though, is like, in [organization name

redacted], she knows people are watching her make

decisions and she’s so paranoid that people are going

to think she’s…dumb.

 

She’s…why are we talking about [name redacted #1] so much?

 

I don’t know. I’m going to have to redact her name.

She’s just the perfect subject.

 

Yeah, for talking about emotions, she is.

​

Yeah.

 

Although, she’s an interesting case, because she’s super

emotional but she shares nothing about herself.

 

That’s a good point.

 

Yeah.

 

And what’s so weird is that, she’s so touchy-feely and she

gets so close to you and gets to you open right up, heart-bared,

but she doesn’t really reciprocate that.

 

She never does. Which I realized only a while ago.

 

That’s crazy.

 

She wants to know stuff about you but she doesn’t tell you

anything about herself. She’s not comfortable sharing. Like,

after a point, I realized I was just talking way too much about

myself and closed it off.

 

I do that too, like I’ll realize she’s not saying anything

back and really prod at her.

 

Yeah, it’s like, a really one-way street, like she knows you but

you don’t really know her. It’s just an emotional-support

relationship that she doesn’t benefit from.

 

But she has so much control in that relationship because

she set the precedent and now any deviation from that…

is weird.

 

Yeah, when it’s just one person talking about their life, you’re

going to reach a point where you run out of things to talk about.

​

Right. Because you’re not that interesting.

 

Because I didn’t want to tell her certain things.

 

Because you…killed someone.

 

…sure. Let’s go with that.

 

I exposed you.

 

Yeah, and like, whenever we have long conversations, it’s always

just the two of us in private, and when I ask about her, her defense

is “I’m just not an interesting person.”

 

That is so sad.

 

I don’t think that’s valid either.

 

No, of course not.

 

Yeah.

​

But I think that’s how she establishes close

friendships, though; just latch on and ask personal

questions.

 

Actually, it’s pretty telling with the close friends she makes

now, because [name redacted #3] and [name redacted #4]

are always talking about themselves, so she finds an opening.

 

I love psycho-analyzing our friends. It’s my favorite thing.

 

Oh god, we do it so often, too.